i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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