It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
