she woke up with a sticky ear
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
