I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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