My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
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