Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
