Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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