brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
