Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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