just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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