Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
