Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
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