I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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