and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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