Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
