The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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