I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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