we made out on top of his cat.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize