just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
