I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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