WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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