Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
