threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
