God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
