I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
