I'm eating all of the evidence.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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