My liver just broke up with me...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
