That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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