For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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