I skipped work to stalk him.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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