textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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