i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize
