1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
