I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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