Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Randomize
