So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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