I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
