How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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