Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i will never coherently bang her
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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