my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
