I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
MIDGETS
????
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
