You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
