Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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