i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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