Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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