When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
