I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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