found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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