Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i just sent this text using only my big toe
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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