You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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